Caro Rayner

Since science began (in a sock drawer at 4.15pm on a Monday), we have searched for a grand unified theory to explain life, the universe and everything. In the ’80s, Douglas Adams posited as good an answer as any – 42. Turns out he was way off. At least according to Case Western Reserve University’s Erik Andrulis, whose latest “research” paper is this week’s Find.

It’s called the Theory of the Origin, Evolution, and Nature of Life. Ambitious? And unlike other finds, I’ve picked his paper not because it is brilliant, but because it’s the most public declaration of madness I’ve ever come across. The internet’s a b*tch that way.

So, how does Andrulis propose to explain the origins of cellular life? Simple. He posits weird conceptual thingies called “gyres”, helical systems, upon which all living organisms are based, that can transform matter and energy. Okay, maybe I’m not explaining it right, here’s an excerpt: “In the theory proposed herein, I use the heterodox yet simple gyre – a spiral, vortex, whorl, or similar circular pattern – as a core model for understanding life... The central idea of this theory is that all physical reality, stretching from the so-called inanimate into the animate realm and from micro- to meso- to macrocosmic scales, can be interpreted and modelled as manifestations of a single geometric entity, the gyre.”

Reasonable? Maybe, but wait till you see the neologisms he’s come up with to explain it. Here’s a taste: “Alternagyre – A gyrosystem whose gyrapex is not triquantal”. Now that’s gotta be my favourite sentence in any language. But Andrulis’s (ahem) “glossary” includes much more than just this neologistic knee-slapper.

Try “Dextragyre – A right-handed gyromodel”, or “Gyradaptor – The gyre singularity that exerts all forces on the gyrosystem”.

Lost? You’re not alone. No scientist who’s read this paper has understood it – by their own admissions – and not because it’s so clever.

Apart from the sheer absurd scope of the author’s claims (having solved the riddle of the very origins of life), the problem has been that nowhere in this 105-page tome, with its 800 references, does actual science rear its lovely head. That’s right – this “theory” claiming to explain everything from quantum mechanics to the formation of the moon is based on, well, nothing. No evidence is presented, no observations examined, no experiments or numbers crunched – in fact, no mathematics is used at all. Instead, the author has drawn little arrow diagrams and labelled them with his absurd neologisms.

Science blogs have been absolutely on fire with the news of this paper. Why? Because, frankly, nobody knows how it got published.

The first publication that ran with Andrulis’s barely theoretical rubbish is understandably a new journal, but an established academic aggregator, Science Daily also published a copy.

It all started with a baffling press release sent out by the university.. The release reads like the beginning of a Disney movie: “The earth is alive, asserts a revolutionary scientific theory of life emerging from Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine. The trans-disciplinary theory demonstrates that inanimate, non-living objects are animate, that is, alive …”

It’s been reported that the preschooler who wrote this, as well as a number of editors and academics, have “resigned” in disgrace.

The paper (which you can download) www.mdpi.com/2075-1729/ 2/1/1/pdf) is extraordinary in that it’s generated honest concern over Andrulis’s sanity. Mental health professionals have been commenting on the paper’s striking similarity to the writings of severe bipolar manics. Others are convinced it’s a deliberate hoax to test out how rigorous scientific journals are in their pre-publication approval of papers.

They think this largely because Andrulis is a biochemist who’s published perfectly respectable papers in the past. Also because there’s actually a precedent for this hoax – physicist Alan Sokal perpetrated this prank in 1996. But you have to wonder about Andrulis’s mental state when you realise the man’s been working on his theory for years. That’s a lot of dedication for a joke.

SPREAD THE WEIRDNESS

Seen anything strange lately? Tell me about it: caror@thenewage.co.za; twitter@CaroRayner